Albert and the Choir

Now yerv heard of Albert Ramsbottom,

His encounter wi’t lion at zoo,

And as how he was regurgitated

Still whole but minus one shoe.

Now Ma had been pretty flummoxed,

And hatched up a plan fairly grand,

To keep Albert right out of mischief,

They’d get him to play in a band.

Pa found a flaw in Ma’s scheming,

Trumpets cost money to hire,

It ud still be music but cheaper,

For Albert to sing in a choir.

Ma said, ‘Albert on stage wi young lasses,’

The thought of it made her quite ill,

But Pa put an end to her frettin,

We’ll send ‘im on down to New Mill.

Ma spoke to the kind lady conductor,

As to where her dear Albert would be,

As he’s only four foot and six inches,

We’ll start him at tenor and see.

Of tenors Ma knew very little,

So the lady explained the selection,

She told Ma as ow male voice choirs,

Were divided into four sections.

There’s tenors, two types, first and second,

They sing near the top of the notes,

Basses who sing at the bottom,

Baritones just hold the coats.

Ma said, ‘I’m fine with the singing and music,

But my Albert is no but a lad,

Now I’ve to be sure that the section he’s joining,

Won’t set an example that’s bad.’

The conductor had an idea,

To help Ma to make up her mind,

I’ll pick just one bloke from each section,

And show how they’re gentle and kind.

First tenors have John who’s a butcher,

Does wonders with anything dead,

But ‘After the meat-eating lion,

That’s too close for comfort’, Ma said.

Seconds have Adam the Huntsman,

His voice is just like a Linnet,

Ma said, ‘If he saw one,

He’d take out his shotgun and kill it.’

The conductor was getting quite worried,

Ma’s face was a tale of woe,

Where could she put little Albert,

Two down and just two to go.

Baritone chosen was Terry,

A man of wisdom and mirth,

But Ma said, ‘He looks like a sumo,

There’s got to be more than just girth.’

In desperation she turned to the basses,

Picked out good Uncle Geoff,

A kind man, a father, a teacher,

With the advantage of being quite deaf.